OK so firstly, why do people hold grudges? we've all had at least one person in our lives, though usually multiple persons, who has screwed us in the not-so-fun way. If you haven't yet had the displeasure, believe me when I tell you will, it's inevitable.
Human being are selfish and egocentric. Even when they seem to care about the well-being of others, first and foremost, they care about their own. People aren't always logical, they aren't always fair and thoughtful. They aren't always nice or pleasant. And they most definitely care more about themselves and what they want, than about others and their wants.
So not screwing people over can take quite a bit of self-control, especially when screwing particular people over is quite rewarding. When most people find themselves on the receiving end of bad faith, they sometimes get emotionally defensive and mentally defensive and hold that grudge until the day they die but this is just silly here's why.
The more negative, hateful thoughts you have, the more likely it is that you begin to view other things through a negative glass. Negative thoughts make us feel bad. They make us unhappy so because of this, we inevitably begin to see the rest of our reality as slightly bleaker, in the long run, this has a detrimental effect on your psyche and on your life.
People who have acted against you in a hateful or disrespectful manner should not have any part of your life. Yet, by keeping them in your thoughts, even if those thoughts take the form of grudges, you keep them alive and a part of your life. The only way to move on with your life is to literally forget about them. This will take time, but the first step is letting go of that grudge you're holding.
OK this is the second part, another reason why people hold grudges is because of a form of identity which I will now explain. this part is much longer as I feel there should be more to it.
But what are we really trying to get at, get to, or just get by holding onto a grudge and strengthening our identity as the one who was ''wronged''? In truth, our grudge, and the identity that accompanies it, is an attempt to get the comfort and compassion we was neglected in the past, the empathy for what happened to us at the hands of this ''other'' the experience that our suffering matters as a somebody who was victimized, we are announcing that we are deserving of extra kindness and special treatment. Our indignation and anger is a cry to be cared about and treated differently because of what we have endured...
The problem with grudges, besides the fact that they are a drag to carry around (like a bag of toxic waste that keeps us stuck in anger)is that they don't serve the purpose that they are there to serve. They don't make us feel better or heel our hurt. Lol because at the end of the day we end up as proud owners of our grudges but still without the experience of comfort that we ultimately crave, that we have craved since the first time we got hurt by that person. We turn our grudge into an object to show proof of what we have suffered, a badge of honor, a way to remind others and ourselves of our pain and deserving-ness (idk if that's a word) but in fact our grudge is disconnected from our own heart, while born out of our pain.
Our grudge becomes a construction of the mind, a story of what happened to us. A grudge blocks the light of kindness from reaching our heart, and thus is an obstacle to true healing. but SADLY, in it's effort to garner us empathy , our grudge ends up depriving us of the very empathy that we need, to release it.
THAT WAS SO LONG
“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”
― Criss Jami, Salomé: In Every Inch In Every Mile
“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.”
― Confucius
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
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